What I'm going to tell you today will probably shock you a little, but more than likely, you'll just be in total disbelief that this occurred. Earlier this week, my brother Matt and I were having dinner. We discussed the mess that is our family, and somehow the conversation turned a bit, and Matt suddenly asked me, 'Hey, you know Aunt Joanie passed away, right?' The answer to this was no, I was not aware of it. 'When was this?' I asked... Matt said 'Uhh, about a year ago'. Thanks to the magic of the internet, I found out today that she passed away May 18, 2009, a year and a half ago. I'm not even sure how old she was, but I think she was 75....
To put this into perspective, this wasn't an aunt I never met that was 99 years old - this was my Mom's sister. When my Mom was going through open heart surgery number two, Aunt Joanie took me in and cared for me. I was one year old... Of course, I have no memory of this. Growing up, she was one of the few relatives that we regularly spent holidays and dinners with. But like many families, personal things and money played a major part in the brakeup....
In 1984, my grandfather passed away, and his decent-sized estate was split between mostly my Mom and Joanie, who cared for Grandpa the last few years. She got the house and some cash, and my parents got some cash as well. What my parents did with their money I don't know (and it's not my business), and Joanie sat on the house during the Real Estate boom in the 80's and 90's, before selling and moving to North Carolina, just a few miles from my Mom. Mom died in 1991, and the bonds that she kept with literally everyone died with her. That was the year I graduated college - and spent the next year making every mistake you can, what I refer to as 'The Lost Year'.
I was so broke that I couldn't even afford to make phone calls, so this got Aunt Joanie ticked at me, along with a few other spats with members of my family. Granted, she didn't call me either, but this matters nothing to an Italian family in New York - we hold grudges like NO ONE... Finally in 1995, I spent a week in NC, and decided to try to mend things with Aunt Joanie... I called, and she kinda sarcastically asked if she had a nephew. Then she said that she really had nothing to say to anyone in my family - without about emotion as if I was a telemarketer selling insurance over the phone... After that, I gave up. That was the last time I talked to her..
No, I still thought about trying again, knowing that eventually this day would come, and that I'd feel some regret for not making another effort. This is just how my family seems to be since Mom passed away - a series of unparallel lies that somehow never cross or touch each other. The reunion this summer with my dad's family was similar: I might as well have crashed a reunion of strangers. I haven't mentioned how Matt found out of Joanie's passing .... he went to the cemetary to visit Grandpa and Joanie's son, Joe (he died in 1989) - and there she was on the headstone. From what I know, no one called.
Yeah, there is plenty of blame to go around on this. Everyone has at least one or two examples of 'I should have done this', and things would be different. As heartless as this whole story sounds, I suppose if I really was a cold person, I wouldn't have thought twice about Joanie passing away. I worry a lot about how alone I am at times. I have lots of acquaintences, but I rarely get phone calls, asking what i'm doing tonight. That's my own fault, I suppose. It's a byproduct of how I was raised in a way, or how the last two decades has affected me.
I see a lot of families that are very tight, and it makes me very jealous. My family now is like a pile of cats.. I speak semi-regularly to two of my siblings. Another I talk to when they need something, and the fourth I haven't spoken to in three years - I think. Maybe yours is the same, but most I've seen are at least marginally better. At this point, all I can think of doing is trying to bridge that gap with these strangers that share my blood. My Aunt is gone, but her only other child is still here, so the goal will be to at least get a discourse started, and go from there. The same with my immediate family, although that will be easier. After all, we're not kids anymore. Shit happens, and I picture the regret being exponentially worse with them if I did the same thing..
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