Bulldogs 38-3 Thumping to USC Causes Congressman to Earmark Funds to Improve Team........
House Majority Whip and 6th Congressional District Overlord James Clyburn , apparently dismayed over his alma mater's 38-3 dismantling at the hands of rival South Carolina, announced that upon his return to Washington, he will introduce legislation aimed at improving the school's sorry football program. It is believed to be Clyburn's first legislative attempt since Reconstruction.
Sounding almost like Jesse Jackson, Clyburn was nearly beside himself in his deluxe skybox overlooking Williams-Brice Stadium. "I am mortified, pertified, undignified ! This injustice must be stopped. These disparities must be rectified!" Clyburn was overheard crying.
After discussing the issue with his flunkies, Clyburn pulled a napkin from Seawell's and announced his plan - to discontinue the funding of the war in Iraq, and to divert all of the funds to the football program at SC State. "All this school needs is to be treated like Clemson and USC, and the team will be a Division I powerhouse in 3-5 years", quoted Clyburn. "My job from Day One has been to end all the disparities - real and perceived - that hold SC State back from being the Crown Jewel of South Carolina Universities. Whoever doesn't like it - Bump You."
According to the napkin, the plans are grand: A 167,000 seat arena ( the approximate size of USC and Clemson stadiums combined), with a retractable roof, 225 skyboxes, it's own Interstate ramp, and a channel dug 33 miles to ensure easy access from Clyburn's home on Lake Marion via boat to the stadium. "I've already got a name picked out..... GUESS !!!" joked the Whipmaster. Plans are to hire Bill Parcells and Bill Cowher as Head coaches, and to attract every available top level recruit through, uh, well..........you know.
Sources at the Pentagon are furious but concerned if Clyburn's plan takes hold. "You read the papers - he's the most powerful and influential man in THE WORLD", said one insider who remained anonymous. "All he needs to do is make one call, and it's over - no war, no money, nothing." When told that Clyburn's two pet projects - The Sparkleberry Bridge and The Lake Marion Water Authority - both seem to be stuck in limbo, the insider seemed relieved. "Really?? Damn, I guess he has been busy pushing through that Minimum Wage increase that no one uses... I feel much better."
.
5 comments:
What really gets me is the fact The State and a lot of fans at both schools think the Cocks did the Bulldogs a favor. They gave them 225,000 dollars and a whipping on pay per view. If this game would had taken place back in the day when SC State was a small power house the score may had been different. Since when do you get your ass whipped and someone did you a favor. Of course my Tigers did pay Furman 300,000 for their victory but Furman has class something SC State does not have.
And the Badgers paid the Cid, maybe $475K to have a patsy. Newberry, Presbyerian, Furman, Woffard and Citadel have played that game before, a crack at one of the bigger schools for a cut of the gate and on the business side it seems a winner for everyone. One wonders when Charleston Southern and Coastal Carolina will find theselves lapping up part of that gravy train?
CCU will never get on the train - Coach Bennett hates losing..
Hey wasn't that supposed to be the deal with App. State going up to the Big House two weeks ago?
Yes Mike, that was the deal with the Apps trip to Ann Arbor... the payoff was significantly bigger.
While CCU mightn't take up the option, Spurrier is open to anyone in state playing the Cocks in Williams Brice with their appropriate take of the gate. Unless he's also the AD, Coach Bennett might get some pressure to take on the Gamecocks for the proceeds. CCU shows up on the Baseball and Basketball schedules, so they do know how to follow 378 into Columbia.
Actually WR that Coach Bennett would jump at you guys or us I believe. He is having a little tough year right now. Went to see them play the first year they had a team and it was pretty nice. My son got his last degree at Coastal. Finally he decided to get a job. It would had been nice if the Citadel could had pulled it off especially since I am in Wisconsin part of this week.
Post a Comment