Capps Gives Up After Promise of Free Arby's and a T-Shirt !!!
On my profile, I listed by occupation as Political Kamikaze. Well, tonight I hit a new low, as I took out one of the most promising grassroots campaigns ever - barely before it even began. I feel no remorse - it's my job, people.
Like most of you know, I am a big Mark Sanford supporter, and I decided to 'eliminate' any and all other candidates for the upcoming Treasurer position. I was going to work on Rep. Converse Chellis, but after work, I see that someone else was working on that. That led me to the No. 2 guy - Earl "Love Gun" Capps.
In a deliciously deceptive move, I invited Earl to Florence to discuss the upcoming campaign. After three years of coercive activity, I had been able to identify Earl's weaknesses - women, Beer, and Fast Food. Since I can't get women myself, I decided to focus on the other two.
I bought Capps a Beef 'n Cheddar (his fave), but before he got to eat, I had another surprise for him. It seems that Earl had been named an official member of the Ukrainian Beer Team - a bogus group of my own imagination. Like I said - genius !! I then gave Earl his 'official' t-shirt, while coronating him with a packet of Horsey Sauce to the blaring tones of Faster Pussycat's Fly High Michelle - or is that Enuff Z'nuff? Anyway, Earl was insane with joy.......
He started dancing around, and acting like Ivan Drago from Rocky IV, yelling "I MUST BREAK YOU!! I MUST BREAK YOU !!!!" I guess he doesn't know that Drago was Russian. It was kinda embarrassing, but at 1000 PM the aren't many people in Arby's. Then, in the midst of his joy, I lowered the boom.........
'Earl, you can't have the Arby's or be on the Beer Team unless you quit running for Treasurer.' "What about the T-Shirt?? ", asked Earl. "Can't keep that either, buddy". A look of confusion, heartache and indecision all at the same time appeared on his face. What would Capps do? Would his own personal ambition or his personal demons win out?? Then Capps made up his mind.....
"F**k It. Pass the Curly Fries, Man."