Rotund Ex-VP's Weight Has Caused EPA to Rate Him a 'Methane Time-Bomb'...
Since the release of his Global Warming epic, "An Incovenient Truth", there have been several attacks on Gore's perceived hypocrisy regarding the environment: Among them, that Gore's Tennessee mansion uses 22 times more electricity than the average home, then his ownership of a zinc mine , which primarily is a strip mine. These pale in comparison to the latest revelation regarding Gore's own threat to the environment - his ever increasing weight has forced the EPA to label him an environmental time-bomb...
The bloated former Vice-President has gotten so overweight that both scientists and treehuggers agree that it is impossible for Gore to keep the noxious gases inside his body, thus producing massive amounts of toxic Methane. Noted climatologist Uli Schroder put it in the simplest terms: " All of life is solid, liquid, and gas. Judging by his extreme weight gain since leaving office, i'd say he's eating something pretty spicy and fatty - and that gas has to get out someway." Greenpeace spokesperson Soleil Wasserman lamented, "Al's obviously not eating veggies and tofu. I wish I could get him to a commune in Oregon.....I think I could really help him. Meat is murder, and it looks like Al's killing himself."
Let's take a step back. Below are two pictures: one from Gore when he served in DC, and the other from a recent speech....
We asked body mass experts to estimate Gore's weight in each picture. Our Blue Ribbon panel estimated his weight in the first picture was 180 pounds, and 240 pounds in the right. That is a 33% gain in 6 years, or 5.5% annually. At the current rate of inflation, Gore will weigh 320 pounds by the 2012 Elections, 440 pounds by the time the Social Security Trust Fund starts paying out more than it takes in, and when the Kennedy Assassination tapes are released, Gore will weigh about 800 pounds - almost the exact weight of the feral pig caught in Georgia known as "Hogzilla".
We asked Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke the effects Gore's expansion may have on the economy - food shortages, inflation, poor consumer confidence, as well as any environmental impacts. "Are you freakin' kidding me? Who let you in here?", asked Bernanke. We didn't wait for an answer. We'll just assume that he views his weight gain as hyperinflation, and that a rate of consumption cut is in order....
A strange trend that we've noticed is as Gore gets heavier, his extremism increases. Many people worry that if Gore gets any fatter, he may call for the outlawing of Oil. While no cause has been pegged, one can only assume that Gore took a trip to Vermont, ended up at the Ben & Jerry's plant - and the rest is history. A company that sells 1400 calorie ice cream under the guise of being "environmentally friendly" can hoodwink anyone, I suppose.
While Gore continues to look more and more like the Blueberry Girl from Willy Wonka, America grows periously closer to a Carbon Dioxide meltdown. Even Granolaheads will eventually leave Gore. Unless someone peeks around his dungpile, and finds some 'shrooms.
3 comments:
Still in Baton Rouge but this is the best article I have read on the former VP Gore. I wish all could read it. In fact I need to make some calls.
great story, and yes, we should be concerned. very concerned.
the earth is in the balance, and we should not wait ...
Earth is in the lurch (credits to Limbaugh) and I agree that Gore looks more like Lurch.
Fortunately, when Gore reaches criticality, ther will also be a significant release of ozone, in a volume which I think should replenish the ozone hole over the south pole, possibly neutralizing some of the odoriferous methane release, though one must keep him away from open flames (exclusive of those on the internet which he invented).
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