Is Noggin Turning Your Kid Into a Liberal?

Ni-Hao Kai-Lan: Cute Cartoon, Or Hanoi Jane for the 21st Century ??

You might have noticed that we haven't done an awful lot of political commentary recently. Sure, there isn't a whole lot going on, but the main reason we've been focusing on other things is because my TV schedule has been all thrown off the past 2 weeks. You see, I haven't been able to watch any of the cable news channels sinceI got here. All I've been watching is Noggin, or Nick Jr. as it is now called. While it has called to my inner three year old, after a while, I've been able to really decipher the subliminal messages that they're implying - just like a good conspiracy theorist should!



What I've discovered is shocking.... Television for kids goal is to turn everyone into a Liberal! Sure, maybe it's always seemed that way, but it's really getting worse. When I was a kid, children's television was a bit liberal, but it was pretty basic - reading, writing, colors, learn to count, and it's okay to drop an anvil on someone's head once in a while. The only exception was 'The Magic Garden' - a show that has 2 chicks playing folk music. I still swear their goal was to get me to move to a commune in Oregon and smoke pot all day, but it didn't quite catch. Jonestown kinda killed that whole theory... Nope the new strategy is right out of Nancy Pelosi's playbook. So, here's a brief rundown of some of the shows on Noggin, and how they are trying to turn your kid into a Liberal...



Dora the Explorer
This one is easy - let's go easy on Illegal Immigrants. All she does is ask you what you think, then she agrees with you. Asskissing will get you everywhere... Menawhile, she's teaching Spanish to your kids before they even learn English! Then she's got her buddy Diego, who has a 'magic backpack'. What's in it? A bottle of water, a couple sandwiches, a rope , and pair of wirecutters to get over or through the border fence. Locals would say that this is Lindsey Graham favorite show, but I'll pass on the rumor that he wears Dora PJ's.....



Yo Gabba Gabba
I have no idea what this show is about. A bunch of multicolored stuffed animals? All I know is that the host looks like Lil Jon, and they robbed the title of one of the best Ramones songs ever. Unless the make their own song , and call it 'Rock N Roll Preschool', I'll pass.



The Backyardigans
At first, I thought this was a show about an indie 90's rock band from Sweden, but that was The Cardigans. It's a toon about a bumch of animals that dream up all these fantasies in their crappy yard. Translation: If you believe, you can achieve - straight out of Barack Obama's handbook. Quit dreaming, and study- then you'll get out of the slums.



The Fairly Oddparents
This one's about a bunch of fairies dressed up in futuristic clothes who can do almost anythign with their powers, one of whom sounds like Ahnuld Schwarzenegger. But, they're constantly being held back by a group called The Pixies (another 90's band reference?). The Pixies clearly represent 'The Man' - aka Big Brother, The Government, or even your parents, so I'd have to assume that these guys are promoting overthrowing the government, and hence, we can only draw one conclusion: Arnold Schwarzenegger is an Anarchist....



Olivia
I'll be honest, I kinda liked this one. Olivia is a pig who lives with her family, and just goes through everyday stuff. She's a bit of a dreamer, but she's not arrogant or rude. However, I did find a disturbing character flaw. She has this neighbor pig. It's clear that she is smarter, richer, and more talented than Olivia, and Olivia is OBSESSED with beating her in anything, but she never does. It's a clear liberal sign of resenting people that have more than you. If Olivia were President, she'd raise capital gains taxes, death taxes, and jack the top end income tax to about 85%....Piggish indeed.



The Wonder Pets
This is a show about an adolescent boy growing up in the Vietnam Era... Wait thats The Wonder Years.... This is about three classroom pets - a hamster, a turtle, and duck with a lisp! Thye get calls on a tin can that they somehow can SEE through, and they help animals in need. Flamingos stuck in mud, Dolphins caught in a fishing net, sheep running off of a cliff - hell they even saved the Loch Ness Monster once! The message here is as obvious as an atom bomb - SAVE THE ANIMALS. But, they can't do anything without working as a team - a clear sign of support for the United Nations, and a commentary on George Bush's Iraq policy. Lastly, after saving an animal, they celebrate by eating - Celery! No promoting vegetarianism here. Hey, I save someone's life, you're taking my ass to Outback Steakhouse at the very least!



Max and Ruby
They're a pair of pudgy rabbits dressed like the Amish... There's not a lot of bad in Ruby - she's patient, considerate and a good kid. Max needs an asswhooping.... He says like one word an episode, but never listens to anyone, and he f**ks up everything, while making this face like he KNOWS he's being a pain in the ass. If I were Ruby, I'd take him on a long walk and lose him on the way back. And where are Mom and Dad during all this? The bad message? Don't listen to anyone, especially your parents,because they're unnecessary- WE'LL take care of you...



Ni-Hao, Kai-Lan
I think the title says it all. This is our Top Prize winner.. Kai-Lan is a little girl that is a ripoff of Dora the Explorer. Except that she's Chinese... Ni-Hao means 'hello', Ni-Hao Kai-Lan means "Hello, now submitand surrender, you imperialist, capitalist dog!" The storylines are irrelevant, except all they do is teach you Chinese language, Chinese culture, and our favorite - sharing stuff that you own. I think they have an expression for it - Communism. Yep, Ni-Hao Kai-Lan is Beijing's way of telling us that our way of life is over. You owe us trillions of dollars, now you will pay. Give up now and go quietly, or slowly watch us take over the world - one kid at a time. Everytime the Grandpa (Ye-Ye) comes on, Stevie yells 'Ye-Ye' at the TV.



Am I serious? Of course not - or am I? I told Carol that this was my project for today, and she agreed, but said 'Hey, I turn on Noggin, and my kid is quiet for a couple of hours'. I can understand the benefits of a quiet kid, but are they quiet - or plotting the overthrow of our country? Time will tell.....


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